Márta Laura Várvizi
My relationship with myself and with life became far more simple in the last few months than how it was before. And though I never ever felt myself being so acceptant and so complete, still, I felt that I lost something. I lost the part of me, the old me, for whom never nothing was good enough. She always wanted more and always as soon as possible, and yes, she was a bit crazy, full of judgements, but I really loved that she was unstoppable and that she could never relax into anything that was less than 100% free.
And now, here I am, as a new me, a much more patient me, and I am satisfied and in peace with myself, with life, but in a part of me I am still wondering if I can trust in my newfound self-acceptance. I wonder whether feeling complete and fullfilled before I reach anything, before I create a new life for myself, won’t keep me apart from living a dream life. Won’t everything be calmed down in my life, as it calmed down within me in a sense, just because I accept myself, because I already feel that I am good enough as I am right now?
There are millions and millions of human beings around me on this planet who settle for less. They are doing a job that they don’t really enjoy doing, they are in a relationship that is far from being fullfilled, and they spend their free time with doing things that don’t fill them up neither. There are many many humans who don’t believe that they can get more from life, and maybe they even convinced themselves that it’s enough for them. A sad story, but it’s not mine.
Unlike them I can feel myself fullfilled at any moment I choose so, but still, a part of me is asking it with great fear: what if my self-acceptance and fullfillment will turn me into a person who will settle for less, just like they do? During the last one month I even gave up searching for answers to questions, or solutions to problems, but this one question really got me. In a way my whole galactic story is included in this question, and it’s standing like a great divide between my future and my past, between the new me and the old one.
While I’m looking for the answer inside of me, I invite Mikael to come even closer... and I start to feel the answer... I feel such an intense joy and passion that it makes me hold my breath... but rather I choose to breath deeply... Now I feel that with this fire, with this infinite passion for life within my being, in a sensual and orgasmic relationship with life, if I allow, it will be absolutely impossible for me to ever settle for less. And this is not just Mikael’s fire, but it’s mine too, as a Soul, and this fire wants to live, it wants to dance, to feel, to grow, to experience, and it wants to express it in thousands of ways how deeply I am in love with myself and with life. With such a Divine Fire at the core of my being, in alignment with my Heart and my Mind, I could never settle for anything that is less than the most beautiful, most fullfilling, most liberating experience I can possibly create for myself.
So no, I definitely don’t have to worry, not for a single moment, about becoming a person who sais ’no’ to more life, to more adventures, just beacuse she feels that she has enough already. My Soul-fire and my love, my acceptance for myself are in constant support of my growth and of my deepest desires to dive into the sensual nature of life, and to explore life in the deepest possible way.
And though the old me always fighted for her freedom, she also denied life to serve her by not accepting what life offered to her, by not allowing herself to embrace life to its fullest richness and beauty. In her fight for freedom, she could only lose what she fighted for, because regardless of the outer circumstances, the real battlefield was always within her mind. Within the mind in which I still maintained this fear of not getting what I came here for.
It is just my mind which is confused about the paradoxes of life, by the contradiction of accepting everything in and outside of myself the way it is, and, at the same time, experiencing myself and life in never-ending growth and blossoming. Nevertheless for me, as a Soul, it’s more than natural that by allowing everything to be as it is, without judgements, without expectations, without fears, I’m allowing life to serve my highest, most fullfilling potentials. It’s more than natural for me that by celebrating myself, life also celebrates me. And when life celebrates me, with me, through me, then living the life of my dreams is absolutely avoidless.
I’m saying farewell to you, dear old fear! You served me really well, and I’m grateful for that, but now I let you go. And thank you, dear old me, whom I will love and cherish forever! I could have never done it without you. I already set you free, and you will always be here within me, so just keep enjoying the show, because, as you already know it, the show must go on, and it keeps getting better and better and better.